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Bugs Bunny. Mark Cornell. Mark Cornell

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Bugs Bunny By Mark Cornell Mark Cornell Bugs Bunny By Mark Cornell Characters:, 40s, a landscaper, 40s, a landscaper SETTING: A construction site for a new high school. TIME: Now.
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Bugs Bunny By Mark Cornell Mark Cornell Bugs Bunny By Mark Cornell Characters:, 40s, a landscaper, 40s, a landscaper SETTING: A construction site for a new high school. TIME: Now. 2. So who are you going to vote for? Lights up on a construction site for a new high school. Early morning. Summer. It s already warm., a landscaper, is eating a donut and drinking coffee and leaning on a shovel., also a landscaper, enters with a wheel barrow full of pansies. He starts pulling them out and placing them strategically for planting. just watches while works. Bugs Bunny. No, seriously. I am serious. Shut up. They have a space for write-in candidates on the ballot. I m going to write in Bugs Bunny. You re going to vote for Bugs Bunny for president of the United States? Yes. Bugs Bunny? Yes. I am going to vote for Bugs Bunny. Why? I like Bugs Bunny. I always have. Oh. Have you considered Foghorn Leghorn or Daffy Duck? 3. Daffy Duck? For president? Get real. So who are you really voting for? chuckles good-naturedly. Bugs Bunny. All right, all right, Brad, I get it. You don t want to tell me. I respect that. I m telling you. I m voting for Bugs Bunny. Come on. No, you re not. Yes, I am. You re voting for Bugs Bunny? Beat. Yes, Owen. Oh, so you want to throw your vote away? I m not throwing it away. I believe in Bugs Bunny. I think he d make a great president. He s brash. He s smart. He s self-assured. He knows how to get things done. He would bulldoze Congress. Bugs Bunny can t actually be our president, Brad. Why not? He s not a person. He s a rabbit. So? I don t think there s a law that says no rabbits. 4. All right, but let s just say people all over America go bat shit crazy and pencil in Bugs Bunny and Bugs Bunny wins. What would happen? Bugs Bunny would be president. OK, at the inauguration, who steps up to accept the presidency? Bugs Bunny. He s a cartoon, man! So? He s not flesh and blood. Pixar can make things look pretty real. First of all, Bugs Bunny is a Warner Bros. cartoon, not Pixar. And second of all, the government can t put up a movie screen at the president s inauguration. Why not? They could put a screen up there. Or a TV. A TV might be easier. So everywhere President Bugs Bunny goes, there s a TV? Why not? People love to watch television in this country. So they just wheel a TV around? In the Oval Office? The White House lawn? Air Force One? Sure. It s not hard. So when the president visits steel workers or goes to an orphanage, in comes a TV? 5. Sounds good to me. So our president will be a television? No. Our president will be Bugs Bunny. On a television. How s he going to speak to the press or give a state of the union address or go to a summit meeting? Bugs Bunny can t actually talk. Have you never seen Bugs Bunny? He s just speaking lines from a script. Isn t that what all presidents do? Yeah, but Bugs Bunny s entire persona is an illusion created by a team of people behind the scenes. Uh-huh. Interesting. A little pissy, joins in planting the pansies. You vote for Bugs Bunny you re saying fuck you to the whole political system. No, I m not. Yes, you are. No, I m not. The political system in this country is one in which we can vote for whomever we choose. Right? But if you vote for someone who has no chance at winning, you are essentially voting for no one. You mean like Ben Carson? Or Marco Rubio? Or Chris Christie? 6. Chris Christie is not Bugs Bunny. No. He looks more like Porky Pig. But you get my point, don t you? Absolutely not. I think if I can get the word out, Bugs Bunny could make a serious run. Really? So where does Bugs Bunny stand on some of the major issues? I don t know, but I know this. Bugs Bunny is not Hitler. Neither is Donald Trump. At least, I don t think so. Yeah, but a lot of people think he is. No one thinks Bugs Bunny is Hitler. This is stupid. Bugs Bunny is not a socialist, either. President Obama is not a socialist! But Bernie Sanders is! No one thinks Bugs Bunny is a socialist! Right. A lot of people think Hillary Clinton is just another cog in the slimy political machine! No one thinks Bugs Bunny is a cog in any machine! Beat. calms. You re serious about all this, aren t you? 7. Yes. What happened to you? You used to care. Did I? Your vote matters, Brad. Does it? Let s do a recap. Presidents in my lifetime. Lynden Johnson. Let s see. There was this little thing called the Vietnam War. Nixon. Watergate. Only president in our history to resign. Gerald Ford took over but only because of Nixon, whom he pardoned. Plus, Ford was only vice president because Spiro Agnew also resigned, and he did so for tax evasion and money laundering. Jimmy Carter. A decent man but he totally bungled the Iran hostage situation. Reagan. The eighties! Prosperity! Wealth! And then there s the Iran-Contra scandal where we were selling arms to terrorists and then using the money to fund other terrorists. Then came the first Bush, who pardoned a slew of people convicted in the Iran-Contra affair and then bombed Iraq to protect our Saudi oil. Clinton. Sleazy as the day is long. The Second Bush. Can you say Iraq and weapons of mass destruction? Iran, Iraq. Iran, Iraq. Notice a pattern? Now we have a guy who is the most despised president of all time. We re as divided as we ve ever been. If my vote counts in all that, count me out. I am voting for Bugs Bunny. Everyone likes Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny crosses party lines. Voting for Bugs Bunny says you ve given up. Yeah, well, my life has never been affected by who s in office anyway. Lucky you. Hey, if there is a candidate who will make me a better guitar player, if there s a candidate who will help me pass these kidney stones, if there s a candidate who can make my wife be nicer to me, if there s a candidate who will get my father to remember who I am when I go into his bedroom, if there is a candidate who will bring back my dead son, then I will fucking vote for him. OK? Until then, I don t give a shit. 8. Beat. I m sorry. I am just trying to get through the day. You know what I m saying, Owen? Yeah. They work. tries to restore normalcy. Going to be hot today. (cont'd) Probably. (aloof) How are the guys doing with the baseball field? Good. The sod came in an hour ago. Did Carlos and Derrick finish the planter boxes in front of the gymnasium last night? Yeah. They work. Do you know what this school s mascot is going to be? No. I don t. They work. What are you doing for July 4th? Absolutely nothing. stops. 9. Hey, let s break off early for lunch, what do you say? removes his gloves, tosses them in the wheelbarrow. (cont'd) The pansies will be here when we get back. Come on. starts out. He stops when he sees isn t following him. (cont'd) We have 20 beds to do, Brad. We re not going to finish it all today. doesn t stop working. (cont'd) I ll take you to that sandwich place you like and you can get that disgusting meatball concoction you love. stops. He takes a long look around. My son would have gone to this high school. Like your daughter will. Yeah. Come on, Brad. Beat. You know, my little boy always loved Bugs Bunny. comes over to and puts his arm around his shoulders, like a good friend. Brad, you know what I think? I think you should vote for Bugs Bunny. (beat) Come on. Let s get some lunch. They exit. The End
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